The episode started out with Blaine twerking alone in the choir room in the most overdramatic white boy way ever. Turns out, Tina was recording him the whole time. She shows the Glee club and everybody shits themselves with laughter. Will decides to make this week "Twerk Week" in an effort to go out of their comfort zone (gee, where have we heard that before?) and show the judges that they're not just the All-American Glee Club (which is the only thing they're good at, so naturally they should risk everything to do what they're bad at). Sue of course objects to twerk week, but more on that later, because the storyline people remotely care about is coming up.
Rachel decides to get a "haircut" (keep reading if you want the truth).
"I'm here for Gaga week!"
At first, Carlisle Cullen and Mr. Fantastic object, but then she does a routine from Funny Girl with Mr. Fantastic and they end up loving it. Sorry but I'm not ever going to call them by their actual character names because Glee gives shit names to its characters anyways. Don't believe me? Their actual names are Rupert Campion and Paolo San Pablo. Sigh. I don't think anything can beat Quinn Fabray in horrible last names though. Where the fuck did they get that from? Anyways, they sing "You Are Woman, I Am Man" from Funny Girl and it was alright. Call me crazy, but I don't see this whole lead-in-a-musical thing working for Rachel. The show has to get cancelled soon. She has to learn more life lessons! It's Glee!
Next, Will's teaching in his history class and Unique asks to be excused. Since Unique is a transsexual, he goes into the girls' bathroom. Bree sees him in there and decides to go into the boys' bathroom to make out with boys instead (she makes out with Jake so we now officially know he cheated on Marley). This leads to a domino effect and pretty soon everybody in the school is going to the wrong bathroom.
In the NYC loft, in PLOT TWIST #1, Rachel reveals that her "haircut" is just a wig. HOLY SHIT. Fooled you, didn't she? Rachel and Kurt eventually decide to do something crazy with their lives, which starts out with getting tattoos. Somehow, Kurt has a typo on the tattoo he brings in (instead of "It gets better", it says "It's get better." Don't even get me started on how this typo is ridiculously impossible considering how much of a big deal Kurt was making this out to be. Despite their "pact", Rachel basically fucks Kurt in the ass and instead decides not to get a tattoo.
Fucking idiot.
On Sue's corner (her old news segment that she had that started out way back in season one), Sue announces that she is banning twerking from McKinley, and is proposing a bill to end twerking in public schools in Ohio. The Glee kids get pissed, when most of them should've been thankful that we don't get to see them twerk again (they are god awful). They decide to foolishly sing "Blurred Lines" to really stick it to Sue, but Sue ends up firing Will because, I don't know, A BUNCH OF UNDERAGE GIRLS WERE TWERKING ON HIM. (Tally that for another reason why Will Schuester is THE WORST TEACHER EVER). If you want to know my take on their cover of "Blurred Lines", I thought it was predictable, boring, and terrible.
Unique walks into the boys' bathroom and gets harassed by a bunch of guys who throw his wig in the toilet and then leave. He then sings Beyoncé's "If I Were a Boy" (took him long enough) and naturally it's all emotional and shit. At the end of the performance, Ryder, Sam and Jake stand up and are like "We need some names", automatically assuming that something happened to him, and that the transsexual can't sing about being the other gender without it being the result of a considerable incident. If I were him, I would've been offended that I can't sing a Beyoncé song without it raising eyebrows and having people jump to conclusions.
What the fuck is with that necklace? Did he stick a bunch of Werther's caramels together and call it a day?
At a school board meeting, Will appeals to him losing his job by talking about all the banned dances over the ages (the waltz, charleston, etc.) and ends up getting his job back. Nobody saw that coming right?
In Sue's office, Unique appeals for a uni-sex bathroom, and Sue gladly complies by putting a porta-potty in the choir room. Only Tina starts using it and it's actually pretty funny.
Kurt confronts the tattoo artist, who ends up being a pretty cool and wise guy. The artist fixes the tattoo and changes it to "It's Got Bette Midler" instead of "It's Get Better" and gives him a tongue piercing in the process. Is Kurt trying to turn into Elliott "Starchild" Gilbert? Anyways, after showing Rachel and leaving to skype with Blaine, Rachel, in PLOT TWIST #2 (cue the "OH SHIT!"s from the audience), lifts up her shirt alone to reveal a tattoo that says "Finn".
Bree and Marley talk, where Bree ends up spilling the beans to Marley about how Jake and her fucked. She doesn't believe it at first, but then Bree makes a reference to a mole on his right hip that makes Marley suspicious. Marley hasn't seen him shirtless that much, since I'm pretty sure she's trying to be a nun, but it's enough for her to confront Jake. Jake basically admits it by being silent, leading to her storming off and presumably them breaking up. Marley sings "Wrecking Ball" to deal with her emotions, and tries to recreate the music video without getting naked (she had no problem on Homeland [NSFW]) or licking any appliances.
Don't worry Marley, in the words of Kurt, "It's get better."
Unique wants to go to the bathroom in class, but he doesn't want to go to the porta-potty. Tina says "fine bitch" and goes in it herself (quickly growing to like Tina more because of this porta-potty obsession). Will accompanies Unique to the hallway and ends up letting him use the faculty bathroom (he did something right for once) and gives the gem: "No one needs to know how you identify yourself. They just need to know that you washed your hands after."
Sue witnesses this act of humanity and offers Will a deal: she gives Unique the faculty bathroom key if the Glee club stops twerking. Will appears to refute the deal and throws a Sue Sylvester tantrum on his way out (which was pretty funny because Becky ended up knocking shit over too). I wouldn't have stomped the fucking yard or anything on my way out because this bitch just fired his ass, but I think at this point, it's just water under the bridge of Will's shitty life decisions.
Will, in PLOT TWIST #3, actually takes Sue's deal and ends twerking week. Will making another good decision? What is this show? What's next, no autotune? No slushies? No valuable life lessons reflected on at the end of an episode while they sing some ridiculous song together? Naturally, most of the club protests at the abrupt end of twerking week, but then when they learned why Will did it, they forgive him, with Arty saying "We are who we are. No apologies necessary." Um, Arty, isn't that Charles Manson's philosophy?
If you were worried about the shitty song at the end, don't worry, Glee didn't fail to disappoint. They sang "On Our Way" in one of the gayest routines I have ever seen. So gay, that I was shitting rainbows and Project Runway DVDs at the end. The routine featured everybody piling on top of each other, holding hands in a chain and running around to no choreography, and playing on a merry-go-round.
I don't even know how to process it still.
Don't believe me? Want to experience the monstrosity for yourself? Of course you do! I've embedded it below.
That's all for this episode. I'm going to kill myself for saying this, but I'm looking forward to next week. Why? TYRA BANKS. That's right, Tyra Banks is going to guest star on Glee's Billy Joel themed episode (no word yet on if it's as herself but she doesn't look like it from the preview). Tyra Banks' list of prestigious projects includes the Disney Channel Original Movie, Life-Size (with Lindsay Lohan) where this happened, an episode of Gossip Girl where this happened (I couldn't find a better clip but that pretty much sums it up), and of course, the Hannah Montana Movie where this happened. Will Glee rank as one of her best career moves to date? Probably not, but one can hope.
Until next time (Tyra!!!)
- Ian F.
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