That being said, I am personally a Lady Gaga fan. I don't mind Katy Perry (I actually am a big fan of her first album), but I don't like her basic fans. I'll try to leave my opinion of her today out of it though.
First of all, can we talk about how truly ridiculous this banner photo is that I found on Hulu? What the fuck is Blaine reaching for? Why are Marley and Jake featured over regulars like Artie, BITCH MODE TINA, and especially Santana Lopez? If I were Naya Rivera, I'd be very offended. She's earned her stripes way more than the couple I couldn't really care less about has. Naya, if you're reading this. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
The episode starts out in the choir room, where will arrives late yet again. This time, he has an excuse, as he has a list of choirs they're competing with for nationals! They're all new names, with the biggest threat supposedly being "THROAT EXPLOSION" (coincidentally the name of Kim Kardashian's next home movie--sorry I won't try to make a joke again). "Who is THROAT EXPLOSION" might you ask? Here's a picture. And remember, a picture's worth a thousand words.
I'll just let this sink in for a bit.
Through a comparison of THROAT EXPLOSION to Lady Gaga's style, Will announces that this week's theme is Lady Gaga vs Katy Perry, prompting Tina to say that she's a Gaga. UM WHAT? HOLD THE PHONE. THE MOST BASIC BITCH AROUND SAYS SHE'S A GAGA? GET OUT. Will has the "Gaga's" of the group then cover a Katy Perry song, and vice-versa for the "Katy's" of the group.
In New York, Kurt announces he's starting a new band (not a Madonna cover band unlike proposed in earlier episodes) since Adam (remember Adam? He was part of the worst thing to ever happen to the show) kicked him out of his group. Kurt asks the three girls, Rachel, Dani (Demi Lovato) and Santana, to join, and everyone but Rachel agrees. Rachel is basically not over Finn yet and for some reason doesn't feel like singing other than in "Funny Girl". Whatever.
Sam sees Penny, that nurse that he likes, in the hallway, and shows her his locker, complete with a True Jackson VP poster (Keke Palmer <3). Really? That's the Nickelodeon show he picks? Not Zoey 101, Ned's Declassified, or dare I say it, iCarly? No wonder Sam's a Katy Perry fan. Basically all you need to know from this scene is that Sam's still head over balls in love with this bitch. However, Penny announces that she's going to a concert with her ex-boyfriend, prompting Sam to think she's a "Gaga" because of her predilection toward dark music. Sam labels himself as a Katy and sees this as a problem for some reason so he tries to make himself a "Gaga". More on that later.
Kurt, Dani and Santana hold auditions in the NYADA dance room (really though, how often does the school use that room anyways? They are always in it). The only person that auditions is Starchild (played by Adam Lambert). Spoiler alert: That's not his real name, or else he wouldn't have made it through High School. Starchild kills "Marry the Night" but Kurt gets jealous and says "no", prompting Santana to shit herself. Later on, Rachel confronts Kurt about him being a little bitch and not letting Starchild in.
Bree comes in Sue's office and basically tells Sue that she's going to try to fuck Jake Puckerman. Bree, if you don't remember, is Santana 2.0 but with less likability. However, in true Glee fashion, I'm sure that we will eventually see a different side of Bree and grow to like her as she joins the Glee club and all that shit.
Marley and Jake have their first scene this season (I think) and it's to let us know that their relationship isn't really going anywhere. I've paraphrased their conversation to save you time.
Marley: hey boyyyy let's go see Julie Andrews movies
Jake: no wtf
Marley: oh we can do something else basic instead
Jake: I'd rather we do other things (translation: I WANNA FUCK)
Marley: Yeah... we'll think of something
Jake: Yeah (I WANNA FUCK)
If you didn't get Jake's intentions, he wants to fuck... and you're a moron.
Sam has a meeting for the "Gaga" cover group, and says they have to be bold, in an effort to impress Penny. He gives them Applause sheet music (one of the worst possible Gaga songs they could do, since Glee takes the integrity out of most of the songs they sing and slaps the viewers in the face with it like they're bad stepchildren). Sam then finds Becky and asks her for help ("I don't give handies" is her response, and I didn't even make that up). Becky agrees to let the "Little Monsters" of McKinley know about the Glee club's "Applause" performance later that day.
Bree later asks Jake to help choreograph a cheerios routine with her, and Marley bizarrely tells him to go do it. Does this bitch even know Bree?
Sue comes on the speakers later that day and Becky interrupts her announcements to tell the students to open their laptops. There, on everyone's laptops, is a little teaser for the Applause performance. "How did Becky hack into their laptops?" asked every viewer ever. That went unanswered, but did you really expect Glee to address its plot holes?
Unique and the other people that were assigned to a Katy Perry song talk about ideas. Jake leaves to go choreograph the routine with Bree, prompting Kitty to be like "she's a nasty bitch" and Unique to tell Marley that this is a major red flag.
Time for Applause. Ugh. Naturally, Glee didn't do the song justice. And at the middle, Marley came out with a weird, Katy-Perry-like costume (she was supposed to wear the seashell bra).
"This is Gaga, right?" said a basic bitch
Marley's lack of participation causes her to somehow get suspended for a week. Don't even get me started. Suspending someone because they don't strip down into a bra? Why is Will even allowed near children? This is not ok (and a further point in my argument that he is THE WORST TEACHER EVER).
The Katy Perry group comes to the realization that they shouldn't go for gimmicks, because that isn't what Katy Perry does the best at (spoiler alert: she doesn't do the best at anything). They decide to strip down their performance and be natural, so they sing "Wide Awake". Somehow, Glee has still not covered "Hot N Cold" (one of the best Katy songs by far), and it's 5 seasons in. Ryan Murphy, get your shit together (please).
Jake is disappointed he got dressed up as a "gay thundercat" (his words, not mine) since they eventually decide to do an acoustic cover.
At the diner, Kurt takes Starchild's order and realizes that Starchild is a stripped down version of his previous self. He introduces himself as "Elliott" and begs to be in the band. Kurt lets him in. Yay?
Sam asks Penny what she thinks of Glee's mediocre cover to Applause, and she says she hated it. She reveals herself as more of a Katy Perry fan, prompting Sam to rejoice since he is also a basic bitch Katy Perry fan. He invites her to go see the Katy Perry songs that the club will sing and then they kiss. They're a thing now, I guess. I mean she barely acts interested in him the whole episode and the next thing you know, they're making out. Only on television could this happen.
Marley is disappointed and Jake comforts her. He invites her to his house since his mom won't be there for a while (Translation: I WANNA FUCK). They start making out on the bed for a while and then he tries to have sex with her but she says "no" (If there are any girls reading this, I hope you know what to do now). He gets pissed that she is moving slowly and she says she doesn't want to be pressured into having sex.
The next day, Jake basically hooks up with Bree. We don't actually see them hooking up, but their conversation before goes a little something like this:
Jake: Can we go someplace private?
Bree: I like private parts.
Subtle, right? I wasn't even paraphrasing, that's what was said. Interpret what happened next as you will, since we didn't see it, but I'm guessing Bree's going to tell Marley about it and break her heart, in an effort to destroy the Glee club.
Back in the loft, Rachel comes in and congratulates Starchild on being a new member of the band. She suggests "Pamela Lansbury" as a name of the band and everyone agrees. She eventually decides to join the band, tying up that plot point for the episode.
In the choir room, Will was teaching something (I repeat, he was teaching something) about math and music, when Sue walks in with a bombshell: She's suspending everyone for a week for dressing like sluts. "What? No way!" replied the half-naked men in the room. She GOT them.
"Nobody watches this show anymore."
The club then sings "Roar" to counter the shade being thrown, and it transitions into another auditorium dance number where again, everybody is dressing inappropriately. Do they want to earn another week of suspension? Sue ain't playing, and I certainly wouldn't try her.
CALLING ALL THE BASIC BITCHES
The only thing I learned for certain after watching this episode was that Adam Lambert totally destroys Kris Allen in 2013. And pretty much any other year, too. But we all knew this from the beginning, so that's it.
That's all for this week. So I've been busy the past few weeks and have concluded that I'm not going to recap old episodes any time soon. It's too much for me.
Until next time,
-Ian F.
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