Tina is not impressed.
I'm just going to get right into it. The first scene featured Rachel at some callback for Funny Girl. How many callbacks has she had by this point? I don't even know, but the point is that these people can't fucking make up their minds. However, I was delighted to know that her casting director / scene partner were none other than Mr. Fantastic and Carlisle Cullen!
They weren't playing themselves unfortunately, but still, they were on Glee! And for the few of you that were wondering, no, I didn't know the name of Edward Cullen's father off the top of my head, I had to Google it. But I recognized him!
Anyways, they told Rachel that she was basically ok and then she went in a room to get a coat. This bitch was practicing in an open theater, with plenty of space to put that fucking pink coat, but she chose to take it upstairs to one room? No wonder they're not hiring her, because she has NO COMMON SENSE. But sitting in that room did give her a good deep thinking moment that I'm surprised I still remember. Rachel sang 'Yesterday' and attempted to make us feel bad for her even though she's living the dream life of many.
MOVING ON. We were "treated" to our first choir room scene of the season, and don't worry, it was just as fucking stupid as usual. Mr. Schuester or "Mr. Schu" as he's known by the kids, announces that it's Beatles themed for two weeks. Everyone rejoices except Kitty, who's all like "Nobody gives a fuck about them today. Where's Katy Perry?" Well, I made up the part about Katy Perry, but that's basically the message she's implying. And then everyone like spits back at her "We all give a fuck about them. They're so insprignakldfjasdlkfjadslfkajsdf" it was all rather nauseating. Then everyone goes around the room and says one random fact about the Beatles that 99% of normal people wouldn't know. Now I know nobody in real life can spit out random inspiring facts about the Beatles (such as George's father being a bus driver and all that shit) at the drop of a hat, so I naturally rolled my eyes.
Everyone leaves the choir room and Artie wheels on up to Kitty and is like "hop on bitch", and she's like "yeah whatever". Then he basically asks her out to the carnival and they start singing "Drive My Car" as it shows some ridiculous montage of the Glee club playing Bumper Cars at the carnival (basically it was Ryan Murphy's only excuse to have them sing Drive My Car in appropriate context, so good job I guess?).
Artie and Kitty then actually start to date, but Kitty wants to make it secret because she's basically ashamed of being with him. Also, there's a new bitchy minority cheerleader (named Bree) with snappy one-liners. Seem familiar? Of course not, it's Glee! Every character is completely original and not recycled at all. Artie and Kitty arrange secret meetings through locker messages, which, I'm going to point out, is FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
Kitty puts messages in Artie's locker and around the school, with just beautiful messages such as "I See You." "Can you see me?" First of all, if any bitch did that to me I'd be like "WHAT THE FUCK" and dump their ass immediately. If you want my attention just fucking text me, don't stalk me. Do the writers of Glee honestly believe this is cute? I wasn't sitting here with a smile on my face hoping they work out their little Dwight/Angela relationship. If I were with Artie when he read that, I'd tell him to WHEEL THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER. They also sing 'You've Got to Hide Your Love Away' during all this but I was too creeped out by the messages to even notice the song.
Santana gets Rachel a job as a waitress. It was one of the less climactic points of the episode, but Rachel did drop a random fact about Patti LuPone being a waitress to support herself before her career took off, and then it just came to me that if you're a Glee character, you're bound to know random facts about pop culture that barely anyone would know in real life. If I were to ever act on Glee, I'd hope Ryan Murphy would write me some nice Ann Curry references. Wouldn't they be lovely?
In probably a plotline that rivals Artie and Kitty's in mediocrity, Blaine decides he's going through with proposing to Kurt! NOTHING CAN GO WRONG, RIGHT? Just don't answer. And in a 2 minute conversation, Kurt basically forgets how Blaine treated him like shit and cheated on him, and they got back together. But in typical Glee fashion, Kurt then plans a musical sequence on the stairs outside, (don't worry, pop culture references were present in their conversation before the singing commenced, you all can take a big, collective sigh of relief). They sing 'Got to Get You Into My Life' and it was ok, but I won't remember it at the end of the season. That's all for now.
Sue Sylvester is BACK, everyone! Don't worry, she might have told the administration that she fired a gun in the school last season, but she was just promoted to principal. Ahh, logic. Sue set up Principal Figgins by putting a bunch of porn and illegal/just plain offensive shit in his desk (my favorite was an autographed copy of Mein Kampf) that actually made me laugh. Jane Lynch, you are officially too good for season five. Naturally, everyone believed Figgins is fucked up and now he's a Janitor (somehow he still is allowed to work at the school... LOGIC, AGAIN). I wonder what this show is trying to say about the Ohio Public School System. Anyways...
Mr. Schuester starts off the next Glee club session by saying that Blaine has an announcement. Blaine says that he is back together with Kurt. Side note: Mr. Schuester is seriously a horrible teacher. If a student of mine wanted to make a personal announcement like that to the class, I'd tell him to fuck off and put it on Facebook (not that anyone would want to see it anyways). Blaine then says he's going to propose to Kurt and everyone except Sam shits bricks. He gives some semi-inspiring speech about equality, gay marriage, and relationships, and everyone somehow seems fine with it after. Blaine also gets rival Glee clubs to help him out, which to me made no sense, but we got to see Sebastian again, and he's a good person now since he's helping Blaine marry the kid that he once hated and called "gay face", so he has officially came full circle as a character. They also pass by the Haverbrook school (the school with the deaf choir) and one of their characters gives one of the best one-liners of the night:
Side note #2: Seeing Glee now in 2013, is like seeing that celebrity you always loved get plastic surgery. You're basically like "What the fuck happened?" And that's it.
Tina confronts Artie about the suspected secret relationship and he confirms it. She then goes into BITCH MODE and tells him she's a horrible girlfriend. Tina if you're reading, LISTEN UP, BITCH. Maybe if you wouldn't have faked everything about you back in the first season, things with you and Artie would be different. You're jealous, and above all, basic, and can take a seat. If you can't tell, Tina is one of my least favorite characters. Just wait until I recap the episode where she tries to fuck Blaine. Oh that'll be good.
At the diner, Rachel mentions someone ordering something called "Roxie & Velma with a side of Billy Flynn" and that instantly became my favorite part of the episode. CHICAGO FTW! Anyways, Santana points out to Rachel that Dr. Cullen and Mr. Fantastic are sitting at her table in the diner, and one thing leads to another and the whole restaurant is singing 'A Hard Day's Night' in an effort to make Rachel look like an adult in front of the casting directors. It made no sense to me either but they seemed like they were kind of into it. A point worth noting is that Rachel, mid-performance, puts some ketchup on some guy's lunch. How thoughtful.
Sue calls a meeting with Mr. Schuester and NeNe Leakes Coach Roz Washington and Will automatically assumes that they're going to get fired. Roz is like "this bitch is gonna fire me because I'm a wanted criminal" and then Will's like "lol bye bitch", and then Sue comes in and asks why Will thinks she's going to fire them and Will fires some FUCKING SHOTS. (Read the image's caption below)
THIS ONLY PROVES THAT WILL IS A FUCKING IDIOT. IF SHE IS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR JOB, DON'T CALL HER VINDICTIVE OR PETTY, OR YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FUEL THE FIRE. SERIOUSLY, NO WONDER WE NEVER SEE WILL WITH FRIENDS. IT'S BECAUSE HE HAS NONE, SINCE HE IS INADVERTENTLY A FUCKING IDIOT.
Sue doesn't fire Will because she's like "I need to keep this job, so yall bitches need to win so at the end of the year, the superintendent sees me as qualified for this position and keeps my bitch ass here". SO basically, she tells Will "Win Nationals or the Glee club is done" which is nothing new to him. How many times has he received this threat? Shit probably doesn't even phase him by this point.
"I'm basic"
Back in class, BITCH MODE TINA calls Artie and Kitty out on their secret relationship in front of the whole class, and Will is ok with it because he's a horrible teacher and just lets his students personally attack each other without showing any remorse. So basically Tina proves herself to be some bitch that's allergic to empathy even more.
Later, Blaine calls a meeting with Ryder, Sam and Jake. It's weird that we haven't seen or heard anything from Ryder or Jake now that they're main characters, when last season they were recurring and would be in every fucking scene.
There's a picture to prove that they were in this episode. Yay! Instead of making things about himself for once, Blaine tells everyone that Tina's just a big basic bitch and that she needs to get fucked right (really he said that she just needs to stop being bitter, but I agree that I think she needs to get fucked. And by a real man, not Mike Chang. Thank goodness he's gone). Sam stands up and gives some stupid speech about North Korea and what not and Blaine's like "sit down bitch". Honestly, all I got from this is that Ryan Murphy still can't write for straight men very well. They all sound queer as fuck.
Sue confronts Principal Janitor Figgins in the hallway now that he's a janitor, and he does the typical "you'll never get away with this!!!" crap that we've seen in like every episode of everything ever. Sue dumps some meat shit in the hallway and walks away like the badass bitch she is, making Figgins clean it.
Was anyone else expecting 'Work' by Iggy Azalea to play over her walking out in slow motion? No? Just me? Ok.
So anyways, Blaine, Sam, Ryder and Jake impersonate the Beatles and sing 'I Saw Her Standing There' for Tina (who definitely deserves to be sung to after all the bitchery and what not) and then at the end she's like "that's cool, but wtf guys?" and Blaine's like "yeah we feel bad for you so you can take any of us to prom except Jake because he's taken by Marley". Marley said nothing in this episode I think, which I liked so let's keep it that way.
Tina tries to stray away from her basic bitch ways and chooses Sam because it's something she wouldn't have chosen normally. Also she says Sam is the least gay and asian, but I think she forgot that Sam covered a Barry Manilow song last season. No mention of Brittany though. Oops!
Kurt has a scene with his dad, who is one of my favorite characters left on this show (let's hope he stays that way). Kurt's all like "I know I'm getting proposed to" and his dad's like "yeah good luck son". Side not #3: WHAT THE FUCK? His dad's driving him somewhere and he automatically assumes he's getting proposed to, when he had no clue about this before? Come on guys. It would've been more awesome to see his reaction to the proposal as if he had no idea what was going on. But then it had to be lame and shit. Fucking TV characters, reading through everyone's minds like their thoughts are stapled onto their faces in fucking 200 pt font.
Blaine sings 'All You Need is Love' with a bunch of people from rival Glee clubs and the actual club. The only point worth noting is that MERCEDES WAS THERE! THE BITCH IS ALIVE. Don't believe me? Here's this great action shot of her hugging Kurt.
"Sorry that I ditched yall for Derek Hough but he is a fine piece of ass"
It was kind of sweet actually, I'll give Glee that. Although during this part especially I just felt really embarrassed that I was watching this episode, and I was praying my roommates weren't in the room suspecting anything.
Blaine pops the question and Kurt says yes of course, and everyone rejoices. Yay. Blaine calls him "my amazing friend" in his proposal which I found weird (other people didn't, but I don't want to refer to my future husband as an amazing friend, that's just so limiting to what he can be).
Anyways, that's it for me this week. I hope you all enjoyed it, MY AMAZING FRIENDS.
Bye!
-Ian
PS
Side Rant: After I was done watching this episode on Hulu, it wanted me to watch the series finale of 'Smash', which I've never seen before. What the fuck is the point of introducing me to a new show if it's going to show me the very last episode? Fucking Hulu, man. Honestly though you couldn't pay me to watch Smash, not even for Jennifer Hudson. And that's saying something.
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