Gleek's Choice

If you want to see the ridiculousness that is Gleek's choice, here you go.

For those of you that do not know, Glee is covering some of it's "hits" from episodes past for it's 100th episode. Out of the 30 songs selected, 10 will be performed (no past mash-ups will be performed, which is kind of disappointing but whatever). Also, we don't know if any of these songs will be mashed up or not, but I hope some will to keep them fresh.

I'm going to talk a bit about each song (I'll make them short) and tell you if you should vote for them or not. I voted a while ago but I'll try to recount what I voted on.

Although I'm sure the 10 songs are already pre-selected, because they're filming it soon and they have to write the script (which will properly introduce each song instead of having them pop up throughout the episode without any transition).

1. Bad Romance - Remember when Kurt tried to go hard but ended up sounding like a little white boy?Don't pick this, we don't need another repeat. If any Gaga song was going to be covered again, I'd expect it to be "Poker Face", but for some reason that isn't on this list.

2. Born This Way - No idea why they would choose to cover this song again. It was an OK cover, but they won't have Mercedes to support it. Although this is basically made for Unique to put his own spin on so I can see it happening.

3. Bust Your Windows - NO. GLEE CAN'T DESTROY ONE OF THE BEST COVERS EVER (since Mercedes will probably not cover it again). NO. DON'T VOTE FOR IT. NOBODY CAN TRASH THIS. IT'S AMAZING. DON'T EVEN.

4. Defying Gravity - The first of these picks that I endorse. I think this was a good cover, but I think Glee could do an even better one, especially with a bigger group. VOTE FOR THIS.

5. Dog Days Are Over - I actually enjoyed this cover, but I don't know why they would do it again. It wasn't like an iconic song or anything.

6. Don't Stop Believing - While it is the best cover that Glee has ever done, I was hoping we wouldn't have to deal with this until the series finale when they inevitably sing it at the end. Don't vote for it please, even though it's a given we will be hearing this again, featuring weak bitches like Jake, Ryder and Unique.

7. Dream On (feat. Neil Patrick Harris) - I always thought that Neil was a bitch to not come back on this show again (Ryan said he would love to have him back). This cover was OK but I imagine it could be done better (AND WITHOUT WILL). It would probably tarnish the song itself, but it's better than what most songs would do for this episode. Vote for this if you must.

8. Forget You (feat. Gwyneth Paltrow) - This is the one I'm most conflicted on. Gwyneth is amazing and this song was amazing, but I don't want to see it done unless Gwyneth comes back to do it. I don't think she wants to do Glee again, and if someone that I don't like touches this song, I will be coming for blood. I could see Santana doing it, so I guess you can vote for this if you want.

9. Get it Right - To save money, we will surely be seeing an original song be performed (Trouty Mouth isn't on the list for whatever fucking reason). This was boring to me and I don't want to see another Rachel ballad.

10. Gives You Hell - Why on earth was this a choice? Does anyone even remember this? I like the song and the cover was nice, but no. There are so many greater ones.

11. Hey Soul Sister - While this song was forgettable, as long as they don't bring back the Warblers, and have other people perform this song, I'm ok since they will cover the song in a different, non-acapella way. Vote for this if you want.

12. Imagine - Remember when the deaf choir was singing and the Glee club interrupted? Oops! VOTE FOR THIS anyways.

13. Keep Holding On - Another WTF choice? Was there a discount on the most irrelevant songs?

14. Landslide (feat. Gwyneth Paltrow) - While Gwyneth covered this song spectacularly, this song has so many dimensions to it that it could be covered in a different way and still be true to the show and itself. Regardless or not if Gwyneth sings it again (she won't since they want to "remix" things anyways), VOTE FOR THIS.

15. Lean on Me - Did I like their cover? Yes. Was it great? Yes. Was it spectacular? No. But I think they could cover this song while still being different from the original, so VOTE FOR THIS.

16. Like a Prayer (feat. Jonathan Groff) - I can see Pamela Lansbury covering this, and being different. It was a great cover and I'm sure they can be just as great a second time, so VOTE FOR THIS.

17. Loser Like Me - Does anyone else remember this mess and the cheesy dance moves that accompanied it? Honestly, this and most of the other original songs didn't strike a note with me. I'm sure we will hear this again, so vote for this if you want.

18. My Life Would Suck Without You - If anyone remembers the actual video of them performing the song, they paid homage to the songs they covered in the first few episodes, which I thought was awesome. I doubt they'd pay homage to more of their performances with this song, but vote for this if you must. Most bitches are too weak to be performing Kelly Clarkson songs though.

19. Raise Your Glass - What? No. Get this off.

20. Roar (feat. Demi Lovato and Adam Lambert) - See above.

21. Safety Dance - If this gives us an excuse to see Kevin McHale dance again, sure. VOTE FOR THIS.

22. Somebody to Love - I loved this cover, and I don't think you can ever perform this song in a shitty way, because it's just that amazing. Here's hoping that they can get Mercedes to do the background vocals again, so VOTE FOR THIS.

23. Somewhere Only We Know - Kind of forgettable. A good cover, but not good enough for a 100th episode.

24. Sweet Caroline - I enjoyed this song but am unsure if they need to cover it again. Probably not, but vote for this if you must.

25. Take a Bow - Don't know why they need to cover this again also. It was in the second episode but it might be nice to hear a full group's take on it, so vote for this if you must.

26. Telephone - LOL remember Charice? This cover was good but it could've done better. Not sure why Poker Face is here again, but if they're going to cover a Gaga song, let it be one of the best pop collaborations of all time. VOTE FOR THIS.

27. Total Eclipse of the Heart (feat. Jonathan Groff) - Don't even get me started on how much I love this cover. It's in one of my top 10 Glee covers of all time for sure, but I don't know if it needs to be covered again. The first was so perfect, and they'd probably give it to some shitty love storyline like with Marley, Ryder, Bree and Jake. Vote for this if you must but be wary of the consequences.

28. Toxic - While the first cover was innovative, original and spectacular, let's see them cover how it originally was done. VOTE FOR THIS

29. Valerie - While this is one of my favorite covers ever, I can't imagine them doing it without Santana. However, since Santana is very much alive and running around in the Glee world, I'm sure she will be featured heavily on it again, so VOTE FOR THIS.

30. We Are Young - I could very well see them cover this again. I don't know if it needs to be done (I'm guessing they'll have some people do an acoustic version), so vote for this if you must.

Overall, most of these are disappointing picks, but there are some silver linings in the choices. I was debating trolling the vote and just choosing things like "Keep Holding On" and "Gives You Hell", but I decided against it. I want the 100th episode to be right, for goodness sake. I've picked 10 "VOTE FOR THIS" picks, so do what you want with those 10.

I love how they fucked over Season 4 and (kind of) Season 5 so far. They better give us a mini-throwback. Also I was glad "Teenage Dream" wasn't on here but I thought it would.

SONGS THAT COULD'VE BEEN HERE:
Poker Face (I'd love a more upbeat version. Too bad they somehow forgot to think of this???)
Maybe This Time (feat. Kristin Chenoweth) [They can so get KChen back if they tried]
Longest Time (was I the only one that really liked this cover?)
All That Jazz (feat. Kate Hudson) [Just because it's one of my favorite songs ever]
Alone
Any Way You Want It / Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'
Baby One More Time
Bad
Beautiful
Bohemian Rhapsody
Cell Block Tango (just because I love Chicago)
Mamma Mia
Crazy in Love (it was originally in a horrific mash-up but let's see them do it alone)
Hello (feat. Jonathan Groff)
I Dreamed a Dream
I Feel Pretty / Unpretty
I Have Nothing (Kurt's cover of it before was fucking horrible--give it to someone else just for redemption purposes)
Listen
Mean
My Love is Your Love
On My Own
Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Push It (just for laughs)
River Deep, Mountain High
Rolling in the Deep (just to correct the mess that was the first one)
RUMOR HAS IT / SOMEONE LIKE YOU
The Scientist
Smooth Criminal
I Will Survive (this time without Survivor)
Yeah! (one of the most underrated Glee covers)
New York State of Mind
THIS BEAUTY

Honestly I'm tired of looking through my Glee playlist but you get the point. There are some more that were great that could be covered that I'm too lazy to list or find.

GET TO VOTING. And do it responsibly.

-Ian F.

Season 5, Episode 7: Puppet Master

Hi everyone,

Before I get to the plot from this week's episode, I just want to say that soon, Glee will be celebrating it's 100th episode. For said 100th episode, Fox has given the fans 30 songs to pick from, and the top 10 will be "remixed" and covered again for the 100th episode. I think it's a good idea, but some of the 30 picks I do NOT agree with. Shortly after this blog is posted, I will be talking about each of those 30 picks as well as which songs you should vote for in an additional post. Stay tuned, even though you probably won't.

We started out in the choir room this week where Will is once again not present. The kids are fooling around with different instruments and Blaine comes in and announces that Will has a school board inspection thing in his history classroom, so he can't get to the other class he actually teaches. I guess that justifies Will not being in class, but let's just pretend that he would've showed up late if he didn't have any conflicts anyways. Blaine says they need to start picking out songs for Nationals, and he tells them his plan. It's boring and consists of Blaine singing lead. Everyone bitches about him trying to be the boss, with Tina calling him "Blaine Jong-Il". Subtle.

Kurt calls a Pamela Lansbury session (yeah, that name stuck) and announces that he booked the band's debut gig. After he announces the irrelevant venue, everyone says it sucks. Kurt tries to comfort them with a description of a vision he has of them singing Madonna's "Into the Groove". Apparently the band turned back into a Madonna cover band (BORING).

Blaine calls Kurt to vent about how everyone thinks he's being a bitch, and Kurt says Blaine can kind of be a "puppet master" sometimes. Remember, Kurt booked his band at an irrelevant venue without any other member's permission. Irony. Kurt wants Blaine to fly to New York (at this point, I'm convinced that for every shitty cover Glee does the characters somehow get free flight tickets) for their first performance and he agrees to come.

Remember Principal Janitor Figgins? He's back, and he's still a janitor. Sue announces that this week the school board is going to reach a decision on whether or not to leave Sue as the permanent principal. Apparently, she's doing a pretty good job, with test scores up 42% and a new caning policy instated (Can she please cane Artie? Please?). Sue tells Figgins there's no hope of him being reinstated as a principal and that he might as well be a janitor there. Sue rocks her pre-meeting with the school board by convincing them that she'll lead the school to #1 in the state. Super-handsome superintendent Bob Harris makes a remark to Sue, basically saying that he thinks she's a dude and Sue gets offended. While Sue talks to Becky, we find out how Sue got short hair (when she first started teaching, she had long hair and girly clothes, so nobody took her seriously). Becky says it can't hurt to girl up a bit, and Sue takes note of that.

They should be paying him the most, honestly.

Blaine enters the choir room, but nobody is there but Brad the piano guy. Brad makes numerous creepy remarks about his online gambling addiction and his personal life, that Blaine doesn't listen to because he is venting to him about being seen as a puppet master. Blaine sits in a back corner seat next to the vent and ends up hallucinating (there is a gas leak in the vent) and sees everyone as puppets. He sings "You're My Best Friend" to them and in case you forgot that Blaine is gay, this performance surely reminded you.

Is this his sex face?

Jake is coaching the cheerios on that dance routine he promised them a few episodes ago (where's NeNe Leakes to coach them?) and says they all suck. He makes eyes with a blonde girl on the way out and Bree notices and goes off on him. In the hallway, Blaine tells Jake to sit in the corner seat where he hallucinated. Jake walks into the choir room while Will is saying how they need Jake's dancing to win Nationals, sits in the chair, and then hallucinates some more. Jake, Bree and Marley, mid-Jake's-hallucination sing "Nasty / Rhythm Nation" from Janet Jackson. A Janet Jackson cover and no nip-slips? C'mon Glee, what are you even good for?

Blaine, in Arts & Crafts class, decides he wants to make a puppet of Kurt. His teacher reluctantly lets him do it, and then my favorite character, STONER BRETT (he's back, bitches) asks something about arts and crafts but honestly I was too excited he appeared to even care what he had to say. Blaine ends up making the puppet and parades around the school with it. Sue, wearing high heels (and not very well, might I add), sees it and confiscates it because the school board won't like the sight of students with puppets.

Busters Get Popped <3. Don't get my reference? Look it up.

Sue asks Will how to be more feminine (since he does such a good job at it himself) and Will starts another game of RANDOM CELEBRITY FACTS by saying something about Ginger Rogers and how she danced backwards with high heels. Will offers a trade: Sue gives him the money for Nationals costumes and Will will teach her how to dance like Ginger Rogers. She doesn't take it and he leaves. Sue ended up sitting in the hallucination chair and in her vision, her and Will sing "Cheek to Cheek". Becky wakes Sue up from her vision and that's the end of that.

"I'm not high, I swear!"

Jake and Bree are in the hallway, and Jake tells Bree he doesn't want to be her girlfriend. Bree, in a PLOT TWIST, says that she's pregnant. Don't even get me started. DON'T. EVEN. She wants him to go to the doctors with her, and that her parents must not know or find out. Seeming as how we barely see parents on Glee, I doubt this will be a problem.

Blaine breaks into Sue's office at night to try and get the Kurt puppet (really fucking creepy if you ask me) and she catches him, saying that she predicted he would do it. She gives him detention, making Blaine unable to go to New York. Back in New York, when Kurt finds out the news, Rachel tells Kurt that Blaine's special seat won't matter, as the whole theater is empty (except for one person who was there to see Angela Lansbury).

Getting side tracked for a minute, I realized that Glee has a lot of celebrities that it's said would appear on the show that actually don't. Sometimes, there's the rare occurrence where Glee announces a guest star that appears almost a year later, but still, Ryan Murphy needs to get his shit together. Last year, he asked Bette Midler to appear on the show, and nothing has been spoken of since. We were also supposed to get Anne Hathaway and Javier Bardem on the show at multiple points, but for some reason Ryan Murphy wasn't having that??? Don't even get me started on how fucking long it took to get Gloria Estefan. End of side note.

Sue and Unique are in her office. Sue basically tells Unique ("god's most fabulous mistake" as she deems him/her) that she needs his (I give up on identifying this bitch's gender) help on becoming more feminine.

In detention (lead by Janitor Figgins), Blaine, Becky and Jake suffer. Becky's in it because she swears in class a lot (hilarious). Blaine somehow sees them as puppets again (he's not hallucinating, he's just having a control fixation) and they have some stupid ass therapy session. Jake leaves detention early to go to Bree's doctors meeting, but Bree announces that she got her period late, so the pregnancy was a false alarm (that's the reason why I didn't rant about it more previously. If it was real I'd pop off.) Bree goes on a rant to Jake about how he really is a douche and doesn't care about anyone but himself, judging by the way he handled the pregnancy. Bree tells him he needs to change and that in the meantime, he should stay away from her. THERE WE GO, we see an emotional side to Bree and begin to like her (thanks to Jake being the biggest douche since my 8th grade gym teacher). Who could've possibly predicted this??? (Control F: side of Bree) While she hasn't joined the Glee club yet, it's close enough.

At Sue's school board meeting, the handsome superintendent Bob Harris apologizes to Sue for not seeing her as a female. When Sue leads the school board into the choir room for a tour (do they really need to tour the school? How many times has the school board seen the fucking school? This is not ok.) and Figgins bombards them with news of the gas leak. Sue reveals she took care of the gas leak (she could tell after her hallucination that something was up) and that it was his responsibility to begin with. She cuts his pay in half and nobody on the school board objects. And that, was Glee's most realistic portrayal of the cruelties of humanity ever. Later, Sue asks the handsome superintendent on a date, and he says no. Oh shit!

Just think, if Sue needed to become manly again, how great would it have been if they covered "I'll Make a Man Out of You"???

Blaine is playing with the Tina puppet in the auditorium (no idea why he chose her...) and made the puppet feel him up a bit before actual Tina entered. She lets him know that the Glee club understands that he's under a lot of stress (you would be too if you were engaged to a bitch in another state) that somehow is portrayed to be out of his control. Don't even get me started on how Blaine is practically begging for stress in his life. Tina also informs him that the club has unanimously agreed to let Blaine have a lead solo in nationals. If I were in that club, I would've voted no. Fuck him. I want a solo. I'm not going to give it to some little bitch that begs for attention. No.

In the hallway, Jake tells Marley that he misses her and he can't be without her. I guess Bree's words meant something to him. Marley, however, isn't having it. You can tell she is interested, but she doesn't want to put herself through him again. Her actual words revolve around her "not feeling the same" about Jake as he does to her anymore, and she also adds "we gave it a try and it just wasn't right". And just like that, Marley becomes insanely more likable than before. Fuck Jake, he's an asshole and I'm so tired of him. Is Marley actually a strong, independent woman now? Does this mean we'll get treated to "Independent Woman, Part 1" sometime soon? Probably not, Marley couldn't handle it anyways. But there's improvement!

Kurt holds a Pamela Lansbury meeting and announces that they got a second gig at an actually popular venue. Apparently the one guy that was there sent their performances to his nephew that works there, and they got booked. Kurt gets a package from Blaine (no not that kind of package, it was a mail package) and, you guessed it, it's puppets! "That is creepy as hell" says Santana. Blaine also makes puppets for everyone in the Glee club, and this somehow leads everyone to sing "The Fox", which has nothing to do with anything. A mini slideshow will follow of how silly the performance was, but I'm guessing they went for silly, so mission accomplished. Santana's puppet is the best by far, though.

Until next time (remember my 100th episode song review is coming up!)

-Ian F.

Season 5, Episode 6: Movin' Out

I've had a headache the whole day, so naturally the best thing to do is watch Glee. Sorry for posting on Sunday, but I'm guessing most of your weekend wasn't spent waiting in anticipation for this blog, so congratulations, you're still living.

If you're reading here for my recap of the Tyra Banks scene (the only thing that made me look forward to this episode), just scroll down a bit, or use control F. Whatever floats your boat.

The episode starts out with Sue announcing to Will that it's the career fair. Will notices that there aren't careers in the arts and bitches about it. Remember when Will was contemplating a broadway career? Well that worked out for him. It's success stories like that that made Sue not get a booth dedicated to arts careers at the fair.

Will correlates the adversity that students have to get a career in the arts with Billy Joel's struggle for the first part of his career, so naturally he makes that week "Billy Joel Week". As great of a musician that Billy Joel is, isn't it way out of left field? They started out the season with a two-part Beatles tribute, and I'm still recovering from the Gaga vs Perry catastrophe, so this only further proves that they're running out of ideas.

Naturally, when it's a tribute episode, the episode can't be complete without another rousing game of RANDOM CELEBRITY FACT DROPPING. Today's contestant? Artie (I keep forgetting if it ends in a -y or an -ie so you'll have to get used to my oscillation). When Will announces it's Billy Joel week, Unique asks "Who?" and Artie responds with "Just a musical genius who sold over 150 million records worldwide." While knowing how many records Billy Joel has sold doesn't nearly rival extensive knowledge of George Harrison's dad, it was noteworthy enough to put here. Oh, Will also said he is the third biggest solo act of all time, but that isn't that big of a quip.

Sam has a mini ponytail now and it's horrible. Him and Blaine announce that they're visiting New York (because apparently they can spare the money) and sing "Movin' Out" to somehow help deliver the message. I think they got it... Anyways, Blaine says he's auditioning for NYADA and is asking Kurt and Rachel for tips. Sam, meanwhile, says he has an interview with Hunter College, who apparently liked his impression reel on YouTube. They stay with Rachel, Kurt and Santana who somehow act surprised when they visit. Did they not say they were coming?

I'm annoyed.

Artie asks Becky what she's going to do after high school. Sue interrupts him and says Becky is going to stay her "Beckretary" and then tells Artie to fuck off. Arty later gives Becky his research on schools that would be good for her, given that she has Down's Syndrome, and Sue once again tells him to fuck off.

Marley opens her locker and roses fall from it. Jake appears and finally tells her that he's sorry for cheating on her. Well thank god he acted fast. She doesn't care and leaves. Later in the locker room, Ryder asks Jake what the fuck is wrong with him since he just decided to confront him about him cheating on Marley. Jake sings "My Life" and basically tells everyone that he's a man slut and can't help it so they should stop trying to change him.

In the restaurant, Blaine casually mentions how he is looking into NYU and Columbia as "safety" schools (he must have went to Gunn High School) just in case he doesn't get into NYADA. Kurt announces there's a special performance in the restaurant, prompting Santana to say: "Seriously? You all need to stop." Even a character in the show has had it with the sporadic music moments. And I'm especially done because Blaine is trying to play piano again. Honey, no. Blaine performs "Piano Man" and Kurt says he's incredible and that he's totally getting into NYADA. Prediction: Blaine gets rejected from NYADA and goes to NYU instead. It seems a little too good to be true that him and Kurt go to the same school but it's very Glee for him to go somewhere in the same city. Plus, Blaine seems like an NYU type of guy anyways.

This is as white as you can get.

Sam goes to his college interview for Hunter College. Did it go well? You tell me. He said things like "Why can guys go shirtless at the beach but chicks can't?" and "So you're black. That must be interesting. Do you know Mercedes Jones?" He really knocked it out of the park there! Sam later talks to Rachel and realizes that maybe school isn't the best thing for him.

Arty calls Becky to the auditorium and he sings "Honesty". Becky gets turned on because Artie is so leading her on right now, but Artie insists he just wants her to be honest about what she wants to do after high school. She reveals she does want to go to college and it's sweet. Becky is probably one of the few good things about Glee now.

Why am I always taking screen captures while they're blinking? I need to get better at this.

Marley is helping her mom in the cafeteria and her mom says she's glad that Marley and Jake didn't fuck. Also, apparently being attracted to bad boys runs in the family. Her mom tells her to hold out for a good guy (in my notes I put "Ryder time????") and sure enough, he later asks her out. She says she'll think about it and he sings "An Innocent Man" to her in the choir room. At the end of it, he asks her out again and she says yes. Jake storms out of the room like a little bitch. Can we all agree that we're over him? I was over him his very first episode actually, when he threw a tantrum because they stopped him mid-way through a song.

One of these things is not like the other!

Sam has a photography session with the "Funny Girl" photographer that Rachel sets up. When he takes his clothes off, Rachel helps non-promiscuously rub body oil on him, but it doesn't matter because their eyes somehow connect, giving the viewers the sense that something is UP.

Sue calls Artie to her office and tells him to fuck off Becky for a third time. However, Artie says he's taking her to a tour of the University of Cincinnati and she finally gives him her blessing and tells him to ask a lot of questions. The tour ends up going nice for Becky, with another Down Syndrome kid very creepily hitting on her in a sweet way.

In New York, Blaine and Kurt are talking and Blaine basically says he doesn't want to audition for NYADA, and that he wants to do other things like be a doctor. Really, Ryan Murphy? Is he trying to base Kurt and Blaine off of his real life relationship with his husband? Because that didn't work out well for the last one. Kurt sees through his bullshit and realizes that Blaine is just scared that he's not good enough for NYADA, but he convinces him that he's great no matter what happens.

And now for the moment we've all been waiting for: TYRA BANKS. Cue Life-Size music! She plays a fictional character that's the head of a modeling agency called "Ms. Bitchette" or something like that. Apparently her last name is Bitchette. She has the best conversation of the episode with Sam, alluding to one of my favorite Glee moments ever. 

Tyra: Your lips are...

Sam: Trouty?

Tyra: Yes! Trouty Mouth!

I died. Tyra Ms. Bitchette says the pictures of Sam are good but not good enough. She tells him to pay for his own pictures and lose 10 pounds. She also gives him the reality of the male modeling industry and it doesn't sound fun at all. Thank god I'm not attractive or muscular enough to be about that life. 

This was exactly my face during the rest of the episode.

Unfortunately, Tyra was only here for one scene. So that was it, but maybe we'll see her in the future! Moving back to Ohio, Sue asks Becky how her trip went, and Becky basically says it was great and that she can't wait. Sue realizes that she has to let Becky grow up eventually (doesn't she have a baby that we haven't heard anything about in a while to care for anyways?) and helps her write her college essay.

Ryder and Marley are in the hallway, and it's after their date (we didn't see it on screen). Ryder says he thought it went really well and Jake barges in and asks if they're a thing. Ryder tells him to gtfo and that it's none of his business and Jake storms off again. Marley tells Jake that just because they went out once, it doesn't mean that they're going out for good, and that she "needs time for her". Never heard that one before.

Sue finally puts up an arts career booth after Becky says that she can do photography at the University of Cincinnati. Will is glad she came around of course. Sam and Blaine return to Ohio where Sam says that Blaine's NYADA audition went well. What the fuck? We didn't see one of the most important events in Blaine's life ever? YES GLEE YES. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. Ok I'm done with that. Sam says that college isn't for him, and plays one last game of RANDOM CELEBRITY FACT DROPPING and says that Billy Joel didn't even go to college anyways.

The episode ends with the Glee club (and the whole school?) singing "You May Be Right" with Will fronting the song. Will gets two big solos in two weeks? Guys, we're not in season four anymore.

Overall, this episode was pretty boring. There was nothing major to rant about. For your enjoyment, I've included a list of things that could be seen as more intense than watching this episode.

Watching a broken clock

Going to church

Watching Lincoln

Trying to find distinguishable traits in each grain of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's

Celebrating Presidents Day

Until next week (they're covering The Fox--awesome.)

- Ian F.

Season 5, Episode 5: The End of Twerk

Remember last week what I said about Glee covering everything in the book? Well, welcome to my review of the twerking episode!

The episode started out with Blaine twerking alone in the choir room in the most overdramatic white boy way ever. Turns out, Tina was recording him the whole time. She shows the Glee club and everybody shits themselves with laughter. Will decides to make this week "Twerk Week" in an effort to go out of their comfort zone (gee, where have we heard that before?) and show the judges that they're not just the All-American Glee Club (which is the only thing they're good at, so naturally they should risk everything to do what they're bad at). Sue of course objects to twerk week, but more on that later, because the storyline people remotely care about is coming up.

Rachel decides to get a "haircut" (keep reading if you want the truth). 

"I'm here for Gaga week!"

At first, Carlisle Cullen and Mr. Fantastic object, but then she does a routine from Funny Girl with Mr. Fantastic and they end up loving it. Sorry but I'm not ever going to call them by their actual character names because Glee gives shit names to its characters anyways. Don't believe me? Their actual names are Rupert Campion and Paolo San Pablo. Sigh. I don't think anything can beat Quinn Fabray in horrible last names though. Where the fuck did they get that from? Anyways, they sing "You Are Woman, I Am Man" from Funny Girl and it was alright. Call me crazy, but I don't see this whole lead-in-a-musical thing working for Rachel. The show has to get cancelled soon. She has to learn more life lessons! It's Glee!

Next, Will's teaching in his history class and Unique asks to be excused. Since Unique is a transsexual, he goes into the girls' bathroom. Bree sees him in there and decides to go into the boys' bathroom to make out with boys instead (she makes out with Jake so we now officially know he cheated on Marley). This leads to a domino effect and pretty soon everybody in the school is going to the wrong bathroom.

In the NYC loft, in PLOT TWIST #1, Rachel reveals that her "haircut" is just a wig. HOLY SHIT. Fooled you, didn't she? Rachel and Kurt eventually decide to do something crazy with their lives, which starts out with getting tattoos. Somehow, Kurt has a typo on the tattoo he brings in (instead of "It gets better", it says "It's get better." Don't even get me started on how this typo is ridiculously impossible considering how much of a big deal Kurt was making this out to be. Despite their "pact", Rachel basically fucks Kurt in the ass and instead decides not to get a tattoo.

Fucking idiot.

On Sue's corner (her old news segment that she had that started out way back in season one), Sue announces that she is banning twerking from McKinley, and is proposing a bill to end twerking in public schools in Ohio. The Glee kids get pissed, when most of them should've been thankful that we don't get to see them twerk again (they are god awful). They decide to foolishly sing "Blurred Lines" to really stick it to Sue, but Sue ends up firing Will because, I don't know, A BUNCH OF UNDERAGE GIRLS WERE TWERKING ON HIM. (Tally that for another reason why Will Schuester is THE WORST TEACHER EVER). If you want to know my take on their cover of "Blurred Lines", I thought it was predictable, boring, and terrible.

Unique walks into the boys' bathroom and gets harassed by a bunch of guys who throw his wig in the toilet and then leave. He then sings Beyoncé's "If I Were a Boy" (took him long enough) and naturally it's all emotional and shit. At the end of the performance, Ryder, Sam and Jake stand up and are like "We need some names", automatically assuming that something happened to him, and that the transsexual can't sing about being the other gender without it being the result of a considerable incident. If I were him, I would've been offended that I can't sing a Beyoncé song without it raising eyebrows and having people jump to conclusions.

What the fuck is with that necklace? Did he stick a bunch of Werther's caramels together and call it a day?

At a school board meeting, Will appeals to him losing his job by talking about all the banned dances over the ages (the waltz, charleston, etc.) and ends up getting his job back. Nobody saw that coming right?

In Sue's office, Unique appeals for a uni-sex bathroom, and Sue gladly complies by putting a porta-potty in the choir room. Only Tina starts using it and it's actually pretty funny.

Kurt confronts the tattoo artist, who ends up being a pretty cool and wise guy. The artist fixes the tattoo and changes it to "It's Got Bette Midler" instead of "It's Get Better" and gives him a tongue piercing in the process. Is Kurt trying to turn into Elliott "Starchild" Gilbert? Anyways, after showing Rachel and leaving to skype with Blaine, Rachel, in PLOT TWIST #2 (cue the "OH SHIT!"s from the audience), lifts up her shirt alone to reveal a tattoo that says "Finn".

Bree and Marley talk, where Bree ends up spilling the beans to Marley about how Jake and her fucked. She doesn't believe it at first, but then Bree makes a reference to a mole on his right hip that makes Marley suspicious. Marley hasn't seen him shirtless that much, since I'm pretty sure she's trying to be a nun, but it's enough for her to confront Jake. Jake basically admits it by being silent, leading to her storming off and presumably them breaking up. Marley sings "Wrecking Ball" to deal with her emotions, and tries to recreate the music video without getting naked (she had no problem on Homeland [NSFW]) or licking any appliances.

Don't worry Marley, in the words of Kurt, "It's get better."

Unique wants to go to the bathroom in class, but he doesn't want to go to the porta-potty. Tina says "fine bitch" and goes in it herself (quickly growing to like Tina more because of this porta-potty obsession). Will accompanies Unique to the hallway and ends up letting him use the faculty bathroom (he did something right for once) and gives the gem: "No one needs to know how you identify yourself. They just need to know that you washed your hands after."

Sue witnesses this act of humanity and offers Will a deal: she gives Unique the faculty bathroom key if the Glee club stops twerking. Will appears to refute the deal and throws a Sue Sylvester tantrum on his way out (which was pretty funny because Becky ended up knocking shit over too). I wouldn't have stomped the fucking yard or anything on my way out because this bitch just fired his ass, but I think at this point, it's just water under the bridge of Will's shitty life decisions.

Will, in PLOT TWIST #3, actually takes Sue's deal and ends twerking week. Will making another good decision? What is this show? What's next, no autotune? No slushies? No valuable life lessons reflected on at the end of an episode while they sing some ridiculous song together? Naturally, most of the club protests at the abrupt end of twerking week, but then when they learned why Will did it, they forgive him, with Arty saying "We are who we are. No apologies necessary." Um, Arty, isn't that Charles Manson's philosophy?

If you were worried about the shitty song at the end, don't worry, Glee didn't fail to disappoint. They sang "On Our Way" in one of the gayest routines I have ever seen. So gay, that I was shitting rainbows and Project Runway DVDs at the end. The routine featured everybody piling on top of each other, holding hands in a chain and running around to no choreography, and playing on a merry-go-round.

I don't even know how to process it still.

Don't believe me? Want to experience the monstrosity for yourself? Of course you do! I've embedded it below. 

That's all for this episode. I'm going to kill myself for saying this, but I'm looking forward to next week. Why? TYRA BANKS. That's right, Tyra Banks is going to guest star on Glee's Billy Joel themed episode (no word yet on if it's as herself but she doesn't look like it from the preview). Tyra Banks' list of prestigious projects includes the Disney Channel Original Movie, Life-Size (with Lindsay Lohan) where this happened, an episode of Gossip Girl where this happened (I couldn't find a better clip but that pretty much sums it up), and of course, the Hannah Montana Movie where this happened. Will Glee rank as one of her best career moves to date? Probably not, but one can hope.

Until next time (Tyra!!!)
- Ian F.

Season 5, Episode 4: A Katy or a Gaga

Anyone that watches Glee knows it's a fan of its gimmicks. Among those that she show repeatedly covers including but are not limited to: unlikely characters becoming cheerleaders (Blaine, Mercedes, Kurt, Becky, Unique), covering every plot twist in the book (pregnant cheerleader, car crash resulting in cliffhanger, marriage proposals, etc), and giving its commentary on anything popular in society today (next week they're twerking, and I'm not kidding). But the biggest gimmick that Glee likes to cover are rivalries, and any form of them. So when I heard that Glee was doing a Katy Perry vs Lady Gaga episode, I just put my head down in shame. Coming from the show that covered Mariah vs Nicki, Backstreet Boys vs N*SYNC (both were in a rivalries episode too---subtle!), and pretty much everything else you can think of, I would expect nothing less.

That being said, I am personally a Lady Gaga fan. I don't mind Katy Perry (I actually am a big fan of her first album), but I don't like her basic fans. I'll try to leave my opinion of her today out of it though.

First of all, can we talk about how truly ridiculous this banner photo is that I found on Hulu? What the fuck is Blaine reaching for? Why are Marley and Jake featured over regulars like Artie, BITCH MODE TINA, and especially Santana Lopez? If I were Naya Rivera, I'd be very offended. She's earned her stripes way more than the couple I couldn't really care less about has. Naya, if you're reading this. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

The episode starts out in the choir room, where will arrives late yet again. This time, he has an excuse, as he has a list of choirs they're competing with for nationals! They're all new names, with the biggest threat supposedly being "THROAT EXPLOSION" (coincidentally the name of Kim Kardashian's next home movie--sorry I won't try to make a joke again). "Who is THROAT EXPLOSION" might you ask? Here's a picture. And remember, a picture's worth a thousand words.

I'll just let this sink in for a bit.

Through a comparison of THROAT EXPLOSION to Lady Gaga's style, Will announces that this week's theme is Lady Gaga vs Katy Perry, prompting Tina to say that she's a Gaga. UM WHAT? HOLD THE PHONE. THE MOST BASIC BITCH AROUND SAYS SHE'S A GAGA? GET OUT. Will has the "Gaga's" of the group then cover a Katy Perry song, and vice-versa for the "Katy's" of the group.

In New York, Kurt announces he's starting a new band (not a Madonna cover band unlike proposed in earlier episodes) since Adam (remember Adam? He was part of the worst thing to ever happen to the show) kicked him out of his group. Kurt asks the three girls, Rachel, Dani (Demi Lovato) and Santana, to join, and everyone but Rachel agrees. Rachel is basically not over Finn yet and for some reason doesn't feel like singing other than in "Funny Girl". Whatever.

Sam sees Penny, that nurse that he likes, in the hallway, and shows her his locker, complete with a True Jackson VP poster (Keke Palmer <3). Really? That's the Nickelodeon show he picks? Not Zoey 101, Ned's Declassified, or dare I say it, iCarly? No wonder Sam's a Katy Perry fan. Basically all you need to know from this scene is that Sam's still head over balls in love with this bitch. However, Penny announces that she's going to a concert with her ex-boyfriend, prompting Sam to think she's a "Gaga" because of her predilection toward dark music. Sam labels himself as a Katy and sees this as a problem for some reason so he tries to make himself a "Gaga". More on that later.

Kurt, Dani and Santana hold auditions in the NYADA dance room (really though, how often does the school use that room anyways? They are always in it). The only person that auditions is Starchild (played by Adam Lambert). Spoiler alert: That's not his real name, or else he wouldn't have made it through High School. Starchild kills "Marry the Night" but Kurt gets jealous and says "no", prompting Santana to shit herself. Later on, Rachel confronts Kurt about him being a little bitch and not letting Starchild in.

Bree comes in Sue's office and basically tells Sue that she's going to try to fuck Jake Puckerman. Bree, if you don't remember, is Santana 2.0 but with less likability. However, in true Glee fashion, I'm sure that we will eventually see a different side of Bree and grow to like her as she joins the Glee club and all that shit.

Marley and Jake have their first scene this season (I think) and it's to let us know that their relationship isn't really going anywhere. I've paraphrased their conversation to save you time.

Marley: hey boyyyy let's go see Julie Andrews movies

Jake: no wtf

Marley: oh we can do something else basic instead

Jake: I'd rather we do other things (translation: I WANNA FUCK)

Marley: Yeah... we'll think of something

Jake: Yeah (I WANNA FUCK)

If you didn't get Jake's intentions, he wants to fuck... and you're a moron.

Sam has a meeting for the "Gaga" cover group, and says they have to be bold, in an effort to impress Penny. He gives them Applause sheet music (one of the worst possible Gaga songs they could do, since Glee takes the integrity out of most of the songs they sing and slaps the viewers in the face with it like they're bad stepchildren). Sam then finds Becky and asks her for help ("I don't give handies" is her response, and I didn't even make that up). Becky agrees to let the "Little Monsters" of McKinley know about the Glee club's "Applause" performance later that day. 

Bree later asks Jake to help choreograph a cheerios routine with her, and Marley bizarrely tells him to go do it. Does this bitch even know Bree?

Sue comes on the speakers later that day and Becky interrupts her announcements to tell the students to open their laptops. There, on everyone's laptops, is a little teaser for the Applause performance. "How did Becky hack into their laptops?" asked every viewer ever. That went unanswered, but did you really expect Glee to address its plot holes?

Unique and the other people that were assigned to a Katy Perry song talk about ideas. Jake leaves to go choreograph the routine with Bree, prompting Kitty to be like "she's a nasty bitch" and Unique to tell Marley that this is a major red flag.

Time for Applause. Ugh. Naturally, Glee didn't do the song justice. And at the middle, Marley came out with a weird, Katy-Perry-like costume (she was supposed to wear the seashell bra). 

"This is Gaga, right?" said a basic bitch

Marley's lack of participation causes her to somehow get suspended for a week. Don't even get me started. Suspending someone because they don't strip down into a bra? Why is Will even allowed near children? This is not ok (and a further point in my argument that he is THE WORST TEACHER EVER). 

The Katy Perry group comes to the realization that they shouldn't go for gimmicks, because that isn't what Katy Perry does the best at (spoiler alert: she doesn't do the best at anything). They decide to strip down their performance and be natural, so they sing "Wide Awake". Somehow, Glee has still not covered "Hot N Cold" (one of the best Katy songs by far), and it's 5 seasons in. Ryan Murphy, get your shit together (please).

Jake is disappointed he got dressed up as a "gay thundercat" (his words, not mine) since they eventually decide to do an acoustic cover.

At the diner, Kurt takes Starchild's order and realizes that Starchild is a stripped down version of his previous self. He introduces himself as "Elliott" and begs to be in the band. Kurt lets him in. Yay?

Sam asks Penny what she thinks of Glee's mediocre cover to Applause, and she says she hated it. She reveals herself as more of a Katy Perry fan, prompting Sam to rejoice since he is also a basic bitch Katy Perry fan. He invites her to go see the Katy Perry songs that the club will sing and then they kiss. They're a thing now, I guess. I mean she barely acts interested in him the whole episode and the next thing you know, they're making out. Only on television could this happen.

Marley is disappointed and Jake comforts her. He invites her to his house since his mom won't be there for a while (Translation: I WANNA FUCK). They start making out on the bed for a while and then he tries to have sex with her but she says "no" (If there are any girls reading this, I hope you know what to do now). He gets pissed that she is moving slowly and she says she doesn't want to be pressured into having sex.

The next day, Jake basically hooks up with Bree. We don't actually see them hooking up, but their conversation before goes a little something like this:

Jake: Can we go someplace private?

Bree: I like private parts.

Subtle, right? I wasn't even paraphrasing, that's what was said. Interpret what happened next as you will, since we didn't see it, but I'm guessing Bree's going to tell Marley about it and break her heart, in an effort to destroy the Glee club.

Back in the loft, Rachel comes in and congratulates Starchild on being a new member of the band. She suggests "Pamela Lansbury" as a name of the band and everyone agrees. She eventually decides to join the band, tying up that plot point for the episode.

In the choir room, Will was teaching something (I repeat, he was teaching something) about math and music, when Sue walks in with a bombshell: She's suspending everyone for a week for dressing like sluts. "What? No way!" replied the half-naked men in the room. She GOT them.

"Nobody watches this show anymore."

The club then sings "Roar" to counter the shade being thrown, and it transitions into another auditorium dance number where again, everybody is dressing inappropriately. Do they want to earn another week of suspension? Sue ain't playing, and I certainly wouldn't try her.

CALLING ALL THE BASIC BITCHES

The only thing I learned for certain after watching this episode was that Adam Lambert totally destroys Kris Allen in 2013. And pretty much any other year, too. But we all knew this from the beginning, so that's it.

That's all for this week. So I've been busy the past few weeks and have concluded that I'm not going to recap old episodes any time soon. It's too much for me.

Until next time,

-Ian F.