Season 5, Episode 2: Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

I had two exams today, and I didn't just watch Glee until now, but who am I kidding? Nobody cares about my life. Anyways, I have over 4 pages of notes from tonight's episode so LET'S GET STARTED.

The episode starts off with Sam and Blaine talking, and Sam basically asks what happens to gay people once they get married. "Whose name do they take?" Anyways, Sam wishes he was going to prom with someone he carried about, instead of BASIC BITCH TINA (who if you remember from the last episode, picked him to go with her).

Does this bitch ever even come on time to class?

Will enters class late of course and says "It's Beatles week 2, bitches!" Side note on Will: HE NEVER COMES TO CLASS ON TIME. NOT EVEN KIDDING. HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN FIRED YET?

Sue comes on the intercom and announces the Prom King and Prom Queen nominees. The nominees for Prom King are: Blaine, some bitch named Muhammad Omar (nice job, Glee, culturally appropriate as always), Artie (Who voted for this bitch?) and Stoner Brett (WHO I LOVE). The nominees for Prom Queen are: Kitty, Amy Ryan (no, not the actress), Random Bitch Jordan Stern, and of course, Tina Cohen-Chang (Who voted for this bitch [part 2]?).

Sam tells Tina he's excited to go to prom with her now since she's a nominee. BITCH MODE TINA comes out like a bat out of hell and tells Sam she can't go with him anymore because she needs to go with the single ladies of McKinley so she can get their votes. She'd make an OK politician (or whatever Helen Kim from BB15 does). Tina sings 'Revolution' and like 15 seconds in, the bell rings and the band stops and everyone's like "bye bitch". That was such a great moment, I can't even tell you how much I adored it. (NOT SARCASM) How has this not even happened in the show so far anyways??? However, one thing that annoys me about bells in movies and tv shows is that they ring after like 5 minutes. Really? Just another thing that makes me wish my life was a TV show.

"You say you want a reevolutioooooo- oh shit."

Moving on. Santana starts flirting with Demi Lovato Dani, a waitress at work. She finds out she's a lesbian like her and gets all excited. Santana and Rachel later converse and Rachel expresses her disappointment that she probably didn't get the role of Fanny Brice. Santana tells Rachel that she then starred in a new commercial for yeast infection medication! Rachel tries to act happy (apparently she was actually happy but Lea Michele did such a shit job at it I was wondering how she ever got an Emmy nomination). Santana shows Rachel her commercial and it's basically like something you'd find on tumblr on one of those blogs that makes fun of 80s commercials. Don't worry, it's already on YouTube. It's probably the most hilarious thing that Glee has put on since... I can't even remember when. Oh never mind, this.

New Santana Bree, the black cheerleader, is pissed that Tina is nominated for Prom Queen and probably going to win. She tells Kitty to win since she's a cheerio, but this was after after Kitty tells Tina that she won't campaign, which makes no sense because Amy Ryan (once again, not the actress) is also a cheerleader and Bree could just campaign for her. Bree gives some long speech to Kitty that basically told the audience how much of a bitch Bree truly is and Kitty actually acts phased by her words. Since when did Kitty take peoples shit? Damn it Ryan Murphy, all these character inconsistencies are making me think this is fan fiction at this point in the show. Actually no, fan fiction could probably be better. Side note #2: Bree is the new bitchy character at the school, so by what point in the season should we expect to hear about her lesbian/abusive/whatever-Glee-hasn't-covered-yet backstory?

Sam and Will are talking and Sue comes in and tells everyone that since she's the head bitch now and that people are apparently getting sick, she has ordered many types of vaccinations for everyone at the school (including polio, since Sue doesn't believe it has truly been eradicated). Will of course is pissed and tells Sue that this is bullshit, and then Sue gives him a nice slice of REALNESS and tells Will "sit the fuck down, I'm principal and you'll do what I say." Sam is afraid of needles but goes in the office anyways and finds that a cute college student named Penny is giving them. She's a horrible nurse (McKinley really has a horrible track record with faculty) but Sam doesn't care because he thinks she's cute.

Rachel is piano tuning at NYADA when Kurt comes in and tells her to get her shit together and start landing some roles. They sing "Get Back" and it was boring.

BITCH MODE TINA storms the hallway with her basic bitch asian assistant Dottie, yelling at people like she's practicing for her future as a stern asian parent. She also splashes coffee at someone, which is just really uncool. She sees that there are Kitty posters everywhere (that the cheerios, not Kitty, put up, but nobody knows that except for Kitty and Bree) and bitches at Kitty for being inconsistent. Kitty defends herself and everyone in the Glee club pops out of wherever the fuck they came from and calls her out for being a bad friend. Nice to know they don't even give a fuck about what she has to say. Artie then has the BALLS to tell Kitty "This is Tina's one big change to finally get what she wants." and that's when I lost it. THIS BITCH ALWAYS GETS WHAT SHE WANTS (except for a solo in seasons 1-3 but that's it)!!!!!! DID YOU NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE PROM PROPOSAL THING? AND HOW SHE EVEN GOT NOMINATED FOR THIS FUCKING POSITION? AND HOW SHE GOT BOYFRIENDS THAT WERE WAY OUT OF HER LEAGUE (yeah, even Artie)??? Kitty takes down posters in a moment of defeat.

Santana flirts with Dani some more and Santana suddenly gets nervous when she flirts back, leaving mid-conversation to go talk to Rachel. Great move (not), but this isn't football. Santana tells Rachel that she's experiencing emotions and it's weird for her.

In the hallway, Sam tells Blaine he has to go to the nurse's office and Blaine notices that Sam has a bite mark on his arm. Blaine calls him out and is like "wtf dude you bit your arm to go talk to that new chick didn't you" and Sam just says "yeah aren't I smart???" Blaine tells Sam good luck and then says"you have... impressions! And... impressions!" to impress her with and that's about it. What a great friend. Sam and some of the boys sing "Something" and it's also boring. An interesting point to note is that there is some weird slow-motion Heimlich maneuver clip during the song playing where Sam volunteers in a class for Penny to perform it on him.

Little basic bitch Dottie tells people to "Vote for Tina. Don't be racist!" and Bree approaches her and tells her that if she wants to be a cheerio that she has to sabotage Tina at prom. Dottie immediately accepts the offer saying she hates Tina anyways. WHAT A GREAT FRIEND.

 Back at the diner, it's closing time. Dani and Santana are finishing their shift as Dani "watches the sunset" (really it's an impossible angle to watch it from so my automatic response is that she's full of shit). They end up walking home and kiss (it's more like a peck). Sorry I'm cutting this short to talk about the real meat of the episode -- the prom.

The Glee club is of course performing at prom, and it's the long Sergeant Pepper song that I don't want to write out. Honestly if I were at my High School prom, I wouldn't want my school's fucking choir performing the Beatles (especially after my old high school's... intriguing Beatles musical), I'd be like "Bring on the Beyoncé!" Nevertheless, Sam and Penny share a cute moment by the punch where he gets her to dance with him, and Bree basically confirms with Dottie that Dottie's going to do the prank. They plan to pull a "Carrie" on Tina if she wins, except instead of pig blood, it's red slushie shit, since it's Glee. Bree blackmails her one last time, mentioning something about what Dottie did in 7th grade regarding something I forgot. Really though, HOW DO POPULAR GIRLS IN EVERY SHOW/MOVIE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE? Obviously to progress the plot, but if they were really popular bitches like they claim to be, they wouldn't give a fuck about the peasants that roam their school.

SIDE NOTE #3: NOTICE THE INCONSISTENCIES IN THE SLUSH (pictures taken at different points in the episode).

SOMEBODY'S GETTING PAID TOO MUCH.

Anyways, when the song finishes Sue gives the best line of the night before she announces prom king + queen: "Congratulations to the Glee club on doing the impossible---You made me hate the Beatles." Sue then announces the nominees one last time, including...

<3

and

Pretty sure this was what they called Tina during casting for the pilot.

And the winners are... of course, Stoner Brett (YES!!!!) and Tina (Seriously? Fuck life). No idea who would even vote for Tina, but whatever.

"I'm basic"

Tina goes to accept her crown, and Bree gives Dottie the signal to pull the rope. Then comes the most ridiculous part of the episode: Kitty sees all this going on, gets all worried and shit, and then a minute later (since it takes Dottie forever to pull the fucking thing) shouts "NO!!!!!!". What the fuck was that going to do? You could've pulled a Miss Congeniality and pushed her out and take the fucking slush for yourself, but you just STOOD THERE AND SAID" NO" ??? People in Glee suck at this whole friendship thing. You could've said "TINA MOVE OR ELSE YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A WALKING ICEE" or some stupid shit like that, but she just stood there and said "NO!!!!!". I just can't deal with this shit anymore. Emotionally reacting to Glee episodes is probably the prime cause of my developing-forehead-creases right now.

"I didn't do enough did I..."

Naturally, the slush goes all over Tina and it's actually hilarious at first since you hate her, but then you feel bad for her because nobody deserves that. But it's still karma, so hopefully Tina uses this experience to stop being a bitch. Spoiler alert: She probably won't.

The Glee kids rush to help her (do they have other friends?) and in the choir room Kitty gives Tina her dress. The club sings 'Hey Jude' as they clean Tina up and she goes back to the prom to give the most GENERIC SPEECH EVER: "I'm Tina Cohen-Chang and I accept your crown!" UMMMMMMM... NO. IF I WERE THIS FUCKER I'D BE CUSSING OUT BITCHES LEFT AND RIGHT. I WOULDN'T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK BECAUSE IF THEY JUST POURED FUCKING SLUSH ON ME I'D GO IN.

The next day at school, Coach Roz (NeNe Leakes) brings in Bree to Sue's office and says she's responsible for what happened. LOGICALLY, Sue promotes Bree to head cheerleader and tells her to keep terrorizing the Glee club. Yeah, that happened. Sue's reasoning is that the Glee club seems to do better when facing oppression (which works if you don't consider Regionals from Season One, Nationals from Season Two, and Sectionals from Season Four). Just when I was liking Sue. Of course.

At the diner, Kurt announces he works there now (it was about as inevitable as Glee doing a 'Royals' cover is at this point) because he wants to start a Madonna cover band among other things and needs money. Did he forget that he has to pay for a wedding, too? I'm really hoping that the events from the last episode were a dream so maybe it's good he didn't mention it. Or he did mention it and I just forgot because I was too busy trying to withstand the crock of bullshit that was this episode.

Gunther (no comment), the boss of the diner, tells Rachel that she has a guest one of the booths, and guess who it is? IT'S CARLISLE CULLEN!

"I never thought I'd say this but I miss working on Twilight."

Anyways, Dr. Cullen tells Rachel that she got the role of Fanny Brice (apparently they say this news in person now???) and she's ecstatic of course. She shouldn't be too happy though considering what happens in the next episode.

The NY gang (including Dani) celebrates by singing 'Let it Be', while the Glee club simultaneously sings it back in Ohio (unaware of the news, however).

An important thing to remember: WILL'S BACK IN HIS SEAT! This was the most exciting thing to happen in the episode by far. 'Let it Be' was ok too.

Naturally, we don't get closure with what happens with Dottie, but this is network TV so we should be used to the inconsistencies at this point.

Until next week (I will try my hardest not to offend anyone, I promise).

-Ian F.