Season 5, Episode 3: The Quarterback

I've been debating a lot whether or not I wanted to actually recap this episode. Despite all of my harsh words/comments, I mean well. I don't want to offend anyone, but I've decided to go through with this recap. That being said, don't expect much humor from me. I will make a sassy remark about a character's choice here and there, but I'm not going to go on with the "WILL SUCKS, TINA'S A BASIC BITCH" routine for just no reason anymore. That being said, Will still sucks, and Tina is still basic.
Sorry, I had to.

So for this post, imagine the WTF in "WTF Glee" to stand for something absurd like "Windows that Fly"or "Will they fuck?" Actually never mind, don't use any of those. They are horrible. Think of something that suits your own creative tendencies. Comment them too so I know that I have people reading this!

Anyways, onto the episode. We opened with the club singing 'Seasons of Love' from Rent in the April Rhodes Civic Pavillion stage (I just wanted an excuse to mention Kristin Chenoweth's character, sorry). The current Glee club was joined by members of the old New Directions, including Mercedes (taking a break from Derek Hough), Kurt, Puck, the other asian Mike Chang and Santana. No Rachel, though. A point worth noting is that PUCK HAS HAIR. I REPEAT, PUCK HAS HAIR. I could probably compare it to Uncle Jesse from Full House but like more receding and with half the volume. At the end of the song, the Glee club turned to look at the screen, which featured a projected picture of Finn. It was kind of weird, not going to lie, but it gave closure to the scene so I get why it happened.

 "Hey guys I'm back!"

Kurt mentioned in his voiceover that "we're all going back, everyone who can", which kind of lets you know why they couldn't get all the actors they wanted back (Dianna Agron as Quinn and Heather Morris as Brittany for starters). He also mentions how "it's not important how he died", but how he lived, so we never know what killed him, but in my opinion, ambiguity is the best choice for Finn's death.

In the teachers lounge, Sue mentions how she's going to continue acting like a bitch regardless of death or not, but notes that his death was sad and horrible. Additionally, Kurt (I forgot already) set up a little tree for Finn in the field and Puck immediately rips it off with his motorcycle (nobody sees it but us, however) and Sue wants him to pay her to get it replaced. More to come on Sue later.

In the choir room, Will starts class and is ON TIME! Wow Will, already showing huge improvement from the last episode, I'm impressed. He announces that this week, anyone (including the veterans) can sing a song for Finn at anytime starting tomorrow. Puck says "singing isn't going to bring him back", automatically establishing Puck as the negative Nancy of the episode (Tina can finally take a seat). Mercedes gets up and is like "naw bitch I'm doin' it now" and sings 'I'll Stand by You', a song Finn sang in the first season I believe.

In Finn's room, which was hands down the most emotional and grievous scene of the episode, Carole (Finn's mother), Burt (Kurt's dad) and Kurt remember Finn, including recalling the conversation in which Finn accidentally said the word "faggy" to Kurt. Burt says how he wishes he could've given Finn more hugs, and basically both parents give performances that in my honest opinion are worthy of Emmy nominations. Noteworthy moment: Kurt takes Finn's old football jersey and starts wearing it.

In a throwback moment, we see the dumpster that Finn and Puck used to dump Kurt and other kids in at the beginning of the series. Puck changes his hair again, and looks more like Eddy Murphy in Dreamgirls. Puck gets all pissed that Kurt is now wearing Finn's old jersey and Kurt tells him to calm the fuck down but Puck is still pissed.

Do most schools have dumpsters in the parking lot?

In the hallway, Dottie (Tina's asian little bitch) talks to Santana about Tina and hints that they're still friends, which I don't get. I'm really hoping Tina calls this bitch out soon (but not in this episode that would just be stupid) because if anyone decided to pull a 'Carrie' on me at the prom, I'd go in. Anyways, Bitchy Bree comes in and takes the candles away from Finn's memorial in front of his locker (Side note: what about the kids that have lockers around that that can't get in them? Come on guys, let's have some courtesy. Yeah, I'm kidding). Santana gets really pissed that they're taking away from their memorial of him and learns that it's from Sue Sylvester's orders. Santana storms in the school and calls Sue out, saying how she's hated her all this time and how horrible of a human Sue is. Instead of Santana saying the real life "I don't give a fuck" type sentence, she says a "I don't give a hot wet monkey's ass" statement that just had me reeling. Nobody ever says this. All this leads to Santana pushing Sue, which was pretty epic in itself.

Tina goes to get grief counseling with Emma (she's back, guys!) and says she's becoming shy again because of Finn's death. Honestly, If I were Tina, I'd want to stay that way, she was a complete bitch when she wasn't shy and that did no favors for her in my opinion. Just kidding, she somehow got treated like a queen. After Tina leaves, Emma tells Will that she's worried about him because he hasn't cried. He says he hasn't had a chance to cope yet.

In the locker room, Puck stumbles in drunk and Beiste is like "you're drunk" and he's like "whatever bitch" (just kidding he actually says "and you're beautiful" which I thought was great). In one of the many confrontation scenes of the episode, she tells Puck she knows he stole the tree, that he should be more emotional and that it's ok to cry about Finn. Puck finally cries, but he looks more like Michael Scott laughing (SERIOUSLY, CLICK THAT GIF).

"It's SO hard not being a bitch"

Santana sings 'If I Die Young' and it's all touching (and a little fast) and then the Glee club joins in at the second chorus (ugh), and then she starts crying and when people try to console her she screams and runs away. Kurt talks to Santana and she says how she tried to say nice things after the song but she just couldn't do it since she's such a bitch, but that she really did appreciate him and all that, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Santana remembers how nice Finn was to her (forget this) and then Kurt gives her the jersey in return.

Just go back to the mohawk.

Puck sings 'No Surrender' and it's kind of touching. During the performance he mostly sings to an empty chair but looks kind of mad during it... Side note #2: I love how Ryan Murphy isn't giving any newbies any sort of material. Even better though, the original that doesn't have any lines/songs is Mike Chang. Ryan Murphy, I'm so proud of you. After the performance Santana storms in and announces that someone stole her jersey and automatically blames Puck since he's being a jackass. Will STOPS THE FIGHT (WHAT???? WILL MADE A RESPECTABLE TEACHING MOVE??? PINCH ME I'M DREAMING) and then Santana's like "NO ME GUSTA" and that's the end of the scene.

Santana apologizes to Sue for calling her out (everything that she said was right) and pushing her into the locker. Sue doesn't say she'll be nicer to people because she won't, but she does say how she wishes she told Finn how he was a good guy, and that it kills her that he did thinking she hated him. She mentions how she thought she'd spend the next 30 years teaching alongside him (basically what would've happened with Finn had Cory stayed alive).

The glee kids put drumsticks on Finn's memorial and Kitty says "It's cheesy", but all of a sudden, Rachel appears and says "it's beautiful". The original bitch priss is back everyone! We go to what must have been the 49th commercial break of the episode and then return with Rachel singing 'Make You Feel My Love' to the Glee club. It was touching and I got chills, but then again they might have been from the fan that was practically in front of my face.

Santana hangs up posters offering a reward for whoever took the jacket, and says to Will that she's not coming back to Ohio because it reminds her of everything she has lost.

Puck puts the tree back and shares a "root beer" with Beiste. He then announces he's going to be in the air force. Great, see you in the series finale (or whenever it's important for Jake's arc).

Rachel has the inevitable talk with Mr. Schuester and says she has no idea how she's feeling. She talks about how she would've lived her life with Finn (she didn't tell anyone about her getting the role of Fanny though, which I can see why). She makes a memorial plaque for Finn and hangs it up in the choir room, with the quote "The show must go... all over the place... or something" on it, which is something that Finn said. It oddly sums up his character (as a dumbass) though so I had no issues with it.

Goodness gracious.

Cut to the final scene: Will's apartment. There is no final song (I thought there would be, and honestly I was kind of eager to see what they chose to be the final sendoff for him, but it's better than the 900th Don't Stop Believing cover so I can't say I'm complaining much). We see that Will is the one that took the jacket (which is the reason why he stopped Santana calling Puck out for stealing it, not because he's a good teacher, but because he would've felt guilty, so my faith is restored in his lack of common-teachers-sense). Will starts crying, and on the screen pops up "Cory Monteith. 1982-2013".

And that's it. While this was the best episode in recent memory, and while I do commend the writers for some of the plot choices they made regarding the episode, I wished there was less fighting. That isn't the way to celebrate a life, but I get how these things can happen.

There's no Glee for 4 more weeks, so in the meantime, I will start recapping old episodes each week! I planned on doing 2 a week (one new and one old) but I realized I simply don't have the time for that.

I hope you enjoyed, and most importantly, rest in peace, Cory Monteith.
-Ian

Season 5, Episode 2: Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

I had two exams today, and I didn't just watch Glee until now, but who am I kidding? Nobody cares about my life. Anyways, I have over 4 pages of notes from tonight's episode so LET'S GET STARTED.

The episode starts off with Sam and Blaine talking, and Sam basically asks what happens to gay people once they get married. "Whose name do they take?" Anyways, Sam wishes he was going to prom with someone he carried about, instead of BASIC BITCH TINA (who if you remember from the last episode, picked him to go with her).

Does this bitch ever even come on time to class?

Will enters class late of course and says "It's Beatles week 2, bitches!" Side note on Will: HE NEVER COMES TO CLASS ON TIME. NOT EVEN KIDDING. HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN FIRED YET?

Sue comes on the intercom and announces the Prom King and Prom Queen nominees. The nominees for Prom King are: Blaine, some bitch named Muhammad Omar (nice job, Glee, culturally appropriate as always), Artie (Who voted for this bitch?) and Stoner Brett (WHO I LOVE). The nominees for Prom Queen are: Kitty, Amy Ryan (no, not the actress), Random Bitch Jordan Stern, and of course, Tina Cohen-Chang (Who voted for this bitch [part 2]?).

Sam tells Tina he's excited to go to prom with her now since she's a nominee. BITCH MODE TINA comes out like a bat out of hell and tells Sam she can't go with him anymore because she needs to go with the single ladies of McKinley so she can get their votes. She'd make an OK politician (or whatever Helen Kim from BB15 does). Tina sings 'Revolution' and like 15 seconds in, the bell rings and the band stops and everyone's like "bye bitch". That was such a great moment, I can't even tell you how much I adored it. (NOT SARCASM) How has this not even happened in the show so far anyways??? However, one thing that annoys me about bells in movies and tv shows is that they ring after like 5 minutes. Really? Just another thing that makes me wish my life was a TV show.

"You say you want a reevolutioooooo- oh shit."

Moving on. Santana starts flirting with Demi Lovato Dani, a waitress at work. She finds out she's a lesbian like her and gets all excited. Santana and Rachel later converse and Rachel expresses her disappointment that she probably didn't get the role of Fanny Brice. Santana tells Rachel that she then starred in a new commercial for yeast infection medication! Rachel tries to act happy (apparently she was actually happy but Lea Michele did such a shit job at it I was wondering how she ever got an Emmy nomination). Santana shows Rachel her commercial and it's basically like something you'd find on tumblr on one of those blogs that makes fun of 80s commercials. Don't worry, it's already on YouTube. It's probably the most hilarious thing that Glee has put on since... I can't even remember when. Oh never mind, this.

New Santana Bree, the black cheerleader, is pissed that Tina is nominated for Prom Queen and probably going to win. She tells Kitty to win since she's a cheerio, but this was after after Kitty tells Tina that she won't campaign, which makes no sense because Amy Ryan (once again, not the actress) is also a cheerleader and Bree could just campaign for her. Bree gives some long speech to Kitty that basically told the audience how much of a bitch Bree truly is and Kitty actually acts phased by her words. Since when did Kitty take peoples shit? Damn it Ryan Murphy, all these character inconsistencies are making me think this is fan fiction at this point in the show. Actually no, fan fiction could probably be better. Side note #2: Bree is the new bitchy character at the school, so by what point in the season should we expect to hear about her lesbian/abusive/whatever-Glee-hasn't-covered-yet backstory?

Sam and Will are talking and Sue comes in and tells everyone that since she's the head bitch now and that people are apparently getting sick, she has ordered many types of vaccinations for everyone at the school (including polio, since Sue doesn't believe it has truly been eradicated). Will of course is pissed and tells Sue that this is bullshit, and then Sue gives him a nice slice of REALNESS and tells Will "sit the fuck down, I'm principal and you'll do what I say." Sam is afraid of needles but goes in the office anyways and finds that a cute college student named Penny is giving them. She's a horrible nurse (McKinley really has a horrible track record with faculty) but Sam doesn't care because he thinks she's cute.

Rachel is piano tuning at NYADA when Kurt comes in and tells her to get her shit together and start landing some roles. They sing "Get Back" and it was boring.

BITCH MODE TINA storms the hallway with her basic bitch asian assistant Dottie, yelling at people like she's practicing for her future as a stern asian parent. She also splashes coffee at someone, which is just really uncool. She sees that there are Kitty posters everywhere (that the cheerios, not Kitty, put up, but nobody knows that except for Kitty and Bree) and bitches at Kitty for being inconsistent. Kitty defends herself and everyone in the Glee club pops out of wherever the fuck they came from and calls her out for being a bad friend. Nice to know they don't even give a fuck about what she has to say. Artie then has the BALLS to tell Kitty "This is Tina's one big change to finally get what she wants." and that's when I lost it. THIS BITCH ALWAYS GETS WHAT SHE WANTS (except for a solo in seasons 1-3 but that's it)!!!!!! DID YOU NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE PROM PROPOSAL THING? AND HOW SHE EVEN GOT NOMINATED FOR THIS FUCKING POSITION? AND HOW SHE GOT BOYFRIENDS THAT WERE WAY OUT OF HER LEAGUE (yeah, even Artie)??? Kitty takes down posters in a moment of defeat.

Santana flirts with Dani some more and Santana suddenly gets nervous when she flirts back, leaving mid-conversation to go talk to Rachel. Great move (not), but this isn't football. Santana tells Rachel that she's experiencing emotions and it's weird for her.

In the hallway, Sam tells Blaine he has to go to the nurse's office and Blaine notices that Sam has a bite mark on his arm. Blaine calls him out and is like "wtf dude you bit your arm to go talk to that new chick didn't you" and Sam just says "yeah aren't I smart???" Blaine tells Sam good luck and then says"you have... impressions! And... impressions!" to impress her with and that's about it. What a great friend. Sam and some of the boys sing "Something" and it's also boring. An interesting point to note is that there is some weird slow-motion Heimlich maneuver clip during the song playing where Sam volunteers in a class for Penny to perform it on him.

Little basic bitch Dottie tells people to "Vote for Tina. Don't be racist!" and Bree approaches her and tells her that if she wants to be a cheerio that she has to sabotage Tina at prom. Dottie immediately accepts the offer saying she hates Tina anyways. WHAT A GREAT FRIEND.

 Back at the diner, it's closing time. Dani and Santana are finishing their shift as Dani "watches the sunset" (really it's an impossible angle to watch it from so my automatic response is that she's full of shit). They end up walking home and kiss (it's more like a peck). Sorry I'm cutting this short to talk about the real meat of the episode -- the prom.

The Glee club is of course performing at prom, and it's the long Sergeant Pepper song that I don't want to write out. Honestly if I were at my High School prom, I wouldn't want my school's fucking choir performing the Beatles (especially after my old high school's... intriguing Beatles musical), I'd be like "Bring on the Beyoncé!" Nevertheless, Sam and Penny share a cute moment by the punch where he gets her to dance with him, and Bree basically confirms with Dottie that Dottie's going to do the prank. They plan to pull a "Carrie" on Tina if she wins, except instead of pig blood, it's red slushie shit, since it's Glee. Bree blackmails her one last time, mentioning something about what Dottie did in 7th grade regarding something I forgot. Really though, HOW DO POPULAR GIRLS IN EVERY SHOW/MOVIE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE? Obviously to progress the plot, but if they were really popular bitches like they claim to be, they wouldn't give a fuck about the peasants that roam their school.

SIDE NOTE #3: NOTICE THE INCONSISTENCIES IN THE SLUSH (pictures taken at different points in the episode).

SOMEBODY'S GETTING PAID TOO MUCH.

Anyways, when the song finishes Sue gives the best line of the night before she announces prom king + queen: "Congratulations to the Glee club on doing the impossible---You made me hate the Beatles." Sue then announces the nominees one last time, including...

<3

and

Pretty sure this was what they called Tina during casting for the pilot.

And the winners are... of course, Stoner Brett (YES!!!!) and Tina (Seriously? Fuck life). No idea who would even vote for Tina, but whatever.

"I'm basic"

Tina goes to accept her crown, and Bree gives Dottie the signal to pull the rope. Then comes the most ridiculous part of the episode: Kitty sees all this going on, gets all worried and shit, and then a minute later (since it takes Dottie forever to pull the fucking thing) shouts "NO!!!!!!". What the fuck was that going to do? You could've pulled a Miss Congeniality and pushed her out and take the fucking slush for yourself, but you just STOOD THERE AND SAID" NO" ??? People in Glee suck at this whole friendship thing. You could've said "TINA MOVE OR ELSE YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A WALKING ICEE" or some stupid shit like that, but she just stood there and said "NO!!!!!". I just can't deal with this shit anymore. Emotionally reacting to Glee episodes is probably the prime cause of my developing-forehead-creases right now.

"I didn't do enough did I..."

Naturally, the slush goes all over Tina and it's actually hilarious at first since you hate her, but then you feel bad for her because nobody deserves that. But it's still karma, so hopefully Tina uses this experience to stop being a bitch. Spoiler alert: She probably won't.

The Glee kids rush to help her (do they have other friends?) and in the choir room Kitty gives Tina her dress. The club sings 'Hey Jude' as they clean Tina up and she goes back to the prom to give the most GENERIC SPEECH EVER: "I'm Tina Cohen-Chang and I accept your crown!" UMMMMMMM... NO. IF I WERE THIS FUCKER I'D BE CUSSING OUT BITCHES LEFT AND RIGHT. I WOULDN'T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK BECAUSE IF THEY JUST POURED FUCKING SLUSH ON ME I'D GO IN.

The next day at school, Coach Roz (NeNe Leakes) brings in Bree to Sue's office and says she's responsible for what happened. LOGICALLY, Sue promotes Bree to head cheerleader and tells her to keep terrorizing the Glee club. Yeah, that happened. Sue's reasoning is that the Glee club seems to do better when facing oppression (which works if you don't consider Regionals from Season One, Nationals from Season Two, and Sectionals from Season Four). Just when I was liking Sue. Of course.

At the diner, Kurt announces he works there now (it was about as inevitable as Glee doing a 'Royals' cover is at this point) because he wants to start a Madonna cover band among other things and needs money. Did he forget that he has to pay for a wedding, too? I'm really hoping that the events from the last episode were a dream so maybe it's good he didn't mention it. Or he did mention it and I just forgot because I was too busy trying to withstand the crock of bullshit that was this episode.

Gunther (no comment), the boss of the diner, tells Rachel that she has a guest one of the booths, and guess who it is? IT'S CARLISLE CULLEN!

"I never thought I'd say this but I miss working on Twilight."

Anyways, Dr. Cullen tells Rachel that she got the role of Fanny Brice (apparently they say this news in person now???) and she's ecstatic of course. She shouldn't be too happy though considering what happens in the next episode.

The NY gang (including Dani) celebrates by singing 'Let it Be', while the Glee club simultaneously sings it back in Ohio (unaware of the news, however).

An important thing to remember: WILL'S BACK IN HIS SEAT! This was the most exciting thing to happen in the episode by far. 'Let it Be' was ok too.

Naturally, we don't get closure with what happens with Dottie, but this is network TV so we should be used to the inconsistencies at this point.

Until next week (I will try my hardest not to offend anyone, I promise).

-Ian F.